It is normal for kids in early adolescence to have wild emotional swings and to feel out of control. Someone may have hysterical tears because another said something about her/him which they know is not true; long and strong friendships are changing because of peer group pressure; they can be viciously cruel to each other because of establishing a new pecking order—new values—”cool” is infinitely valuable; being with the “in” crowd is more important than an individual friendship. It can be stressful and painful going through it. Things they have valued seem to lose their importance. Their need to challenge authority is felt by parents and teachers alike.
If puberty were only body changes, it would be a snap. The emotional turbulence comes partly from the psychosocial changes in the lives of young adolescents and partly from coping with the experience of their bodies’ changes. It also true that there are receptors in the “feelings center” of the brain which receive the hormones produced at puberty. Thus puberty has physical, social, and psychological aspects.
We want to say to kids: Other people are going through these feelings. It is important to communicate with someone about these experiences and feelings because you will feel better—not as if you are all alone. You will discover that everyone has the same feelings/experience and survives. Even if people say terrible things about you, it doesn’t mean you are terrible. Teachers need to believe that even though the tears may be about nothing, they are about real pain.
We want kids to feel safe about their body changes (not dying because of bleeding, not wetting the bed because of wet dreams). The emotional side is just as normal and predictable a part of puberty. We want them to feel they can talk about it the same way they can talk about he physical side.
From kindergarten until puberty, kids hang out with same sex friends. At puberty they have to re-define what is important, finding a way to mesh their same sex society with a two sex society and to mesh platonic relationships with their beginning interest in relating to the opposite sex. One thing that happens is a lot of jealousy and competition—which is different now because of sexual hormones and sexual feelings. It is confusing because there is an almost unconscious knowledge of who’s dealing with all this in a “cool” way.
We can’t stop it from happening but we can let them know that it is normal and predictable and will pass. The purpose of including this discussion of the psychological, social, and emotional aspects of puberty is to tell kids where it comes from, why it happens, that it will happen, that everyone feels it and that they will survive.
For the boy or girl who matures on the early side of the spectrum, there may be a sense of being big, tall, gawky, a lack of body confidence, a sense of distance from peers, a loss of being part of the crowd.
At the other end of the spectrum, late developers feel left out when everybody else has new mannerisms, opposite sex isn’t interested in them; a feeling that they will never catch up. Suddenly at age 15, it all evens out again, everybody’s back at the same stage of life again.
One kind of person that kids can look for to talk to about their experiences with is someone who is in the same stage of development, rather than someone who is admired because he/she is so grown up. Another kind of person to look for is someone who has already survived growing up.
Part of the purpose of adolescence is pulling away from parental control—to develop one’s own independence. A successful pulling away leaves the adolescent responsible and independent. But pulling away is only half the work (you may know kids who are only rebelling)—the other half is to develop good judgment about what wise decisions are. A child has to follow rules whether or not she/he understands. An adult doesn’t have to follow rules because she/he can see the consequences of decisions and actions. An adolescent is moving from being required to follow rules set by adults to somebody who doesn’t need rules because they are capable of making decisions considering the consequences of their actions. A 6 year old has to be told to go to the bathroom before a trip, an 18 year old does not. A parent has to do the thinking for a child, an adult can think for him/herself.
Part of this process is to make a few decisions badly and find out what happens—like not doing your homework, not eating breakfast, not getting enough sleep. Some bad decisions, however, can affect your whole life. Riding in a car with a drunk driver may appear harmless compared to peer group ridicule for refusing, but automobile accidents are the leading cause of death and severe, permanent injury (like paralysis and brain injury) among children. Using drugs is another area of experimentation that can lead to lifelong consequences. Some drugs are physically addictive after one use; some people’s bodies react so violently to drugs that the first try can cause severe effects, like heart attacks. Mixing alcohol and some drugs can cause death. Using drugs or alcohol can interfere with your normal judgment about safe behavior.
The whole idea of decision-making means that for every situation there is a choice and that the choice has consequences. Just as adolescents feel ready to make their own decisions about homework, bedtime, and dating before they have mature judgment, young adolescent bodies are capable of having sex and causing pregnancy and catching diseases way before they’re really ready and capable psychologically and experientially to handle a sexually transmitted disease or raising a baby. Mistakes should be made on the little stuff. The weight or importance of the decision should be related to the ability of the decisionmaker to live with the consequences. A 4 year old can choose whether to have peanut butter for lunch but not whether to have immunization shots. A 12 year old can decide which friend they’ll hang out with but not whether to go to school.
Twelve year olds may feel ready to engage in sexual intercourse but they are certainly not ready to cope with pregnancy and have babies—their bodies are not ready and their minds are not ready. So what is the right age to engage in sexual intercourse? No number can be stated. A person must be mature enough to sustain emotional as well as physical intimacy and responsible enough to cope with the consequences. A 6th grader’s feelings get hurt by a friend’s rejection. These feelings of vulnerability are intensified when sex enters the relationship. The more intimate the contact, the more susceptible the individuals are to being hurt.
In order to deal with possible consequences, one has to be able to anticipate them and to act in such a way as to control them. This is a stage of cognitive development reached in older adolescence. Part of the work of adolescence is learning how to form relationships with peers which involve communication about feelings.
Adolescents practice the ability to communicate about themselves what their needs and fears are. Good communication is a basic and valuable tool to help cope with growing up: separating from parents, relationships with peers, love/intimate relationships with boy/girlfriends. Good communication can be learned. It involves saying what you mean and listening to what the other person is saying. Feelings are real and valid. Communicating how you feel strengthens a relationship, helps people to know and understand each other.