Talking about sexual acts may make the teacher uncomfortable. Everything about sexuality has two parts which must be separated and addressed: the facts and the values. Adult emotions about sexual acts make it hard for adults to talk about sex. When emotions are communicated with the facts, the information becomes confusing for children, and distracting. Confused children can’t assimilate the information and translate it into behaviors affecting their own lives.
The interest of prepubescent children is particularly focused on understanding how the machine of the body works, and what causes the machine to dysfunction, or to have unusual results, such as multiple births. Preteens want to know about menstruation, sexual intercourse, pregnancy, birth, heredity, miscarriage, abortion, the pill, homosexuality, illegitimacy—essentially everything. They don’t however, want to know everything about everything at once. Often their questions are related to their own lives’ circumstances (“my cousin did this”. . .). Their knowledge so far is from their own circumstances. Wait to answer until it is clear exactly what they want to know. Answer simply and honestly, and then wait, sometimes two weeks, for the second part of the question. Establishing an atmosphere in which questions can be ongoing is the most important part of sex education. The process is much more important than the content.
When a child asks what some sexual practice is, the child wants to know the facts (simple). The adult needs to have already separated their own values about sexual practices from their ability to explain what vocabulary means. This is particularly relevant to teachers who will soon have to teach about AIDS to fifth graders and may have to explain what anal intercourse means. The answer is that the penis enters the rectum instead of the vagina. A natural follow up question will be: Why do they do it? which is not a question of values but about why do they do it when there are other things that people do. The answer is: Because they like it.
Another problem for teachers is related to cultural bias.
Teachers may be concerned about offending parents and usurping their role. In New Haven a city-wide mandate exists for students to be taught about AIDS. Responsible teaching of AIDS cannot occur when the teacher is not prepared to teach sexuality. In fact we believe students in our time and culture to be unprepared for life if they are not educated about human sexual development. Parents who are willing to accept that role will have been talking with their children already. Some parents may be greatly relieved that the school is willing to take on this difficult but important area of education.
It is important to remember that as a teacher your job is not to teach the students your sexual values. That is the parents’ job. The teacher’s job is to be sure that the students understand the facts. For example, the teacher might explain what the word masturbation means, what the physical aspects are. That people often attach strong values or taboos to masturbation can and should be explained. But the teacher’s job is not to teach which values are correct any more that she is to teach how to do it.
In certain instances, a teacher’s values may be relevant as an example of universal values. We as a cultural group do not believe that it is a good idea for 12-year-old girls in this society to have babies. In other societies, other values prevail. We also believe that private practice between consenting adults is inviolate.
However, individuals have values which may conflict with the values of society. As these individual values become more widely accepted, we observe a society in conflict. Two examples of heated societal conflict are homosexuality and abortion. A fine line exists between personal and universal values which the teacher must explore in order to teach about sexuality. We know many sexually active people under 16. Yet, we say it is illegal for adults to have sexual relations with people under 16. We say private practice between consenting adults is inviolate, yet certain sexual practices are illegal. Teachers must do homework about how to express these values in a clearly thought out way. The difficulty lies in separating the value from the fact.
Another problem which may impede the teacher is concern about how old a child should be to know what intercourse is. At age 3, children commonly ask where did I come from? They do not want to know about adult sexual practices or emotions. What they want to know is that babies grow inside of mothers. Later they will ask how babies get out. The answer is that the mother pushes the baby out through the vagina. Still later, at about 5, the child will ask how the baby gets into the mother’s uterus. The answer is the father puts his penis in the vagina and sperm comes out of the penis. The sperm swim to meet and join with the egg to begin a baby.
What we fear is that we the adults will do harm to the child by talking to her/him too soon. We fear we are hurrying them, taking away their childhood and innocence. We think they will be shocked by what they hear. We also conversely fear we will impel them into sexual activity at an earlier age. Following are some answers to these concerns. A reaction of shock is unlikely if the information a child seeks is gently given to him/her when he/she asks, and only what is asked. This requires the adult to be a good listener. When the child asks where do babies come from, adults sometimes become anxious thinking they must now explain adult sexuality to a 3 year old. In fact, the child may simply be asking whether the truth is the cabbage patch, the stork, or bought from the hospital. Some children may find it very reassuring to know they have always been “connected” to their mother.
A serious concern to which adults must respond is that we cannot prevent our children from being exposed to sexual messages and topics which are presented on television or that they may learn about from others. An example is the 7-year-old child whose babysitter allowed her to watch a program in which the plot involved date rape. When the child reported this to the mother the next day, she said the sitter had asked her if she knew what date rape was. The child had said yes; it was when a girl’s date forced her to have sex with him. The mother’s reaction was what if the child hadn’t already know about intercourse and had had to learn the facts in a situation of watching a lurid television program inappropriate for her at all with the explanations of a babysitter of questionable judgment.
In an atmosphere of overt sexuality, not explaining the facts can cause much more anxiety in children than the simple truth can cause. Adult secrets can be very scary. The difference between secrecy and privacy is relevant here. We fear harming children because we feel unable to explain at the level of a 5 year old. It is confusing because people are confused.
Even in situations not related to discussions of sexuality, it can be difficult to be aware of the level of cognitive development of a child. Many adults have encountered the frustration of attempting to teach a 2 year old to count objects. Even though she can count to ten by rote, she cannot relate the pattern of words to a series of objects. A 2 year old can know the names of the numbers from one to five long before she can count the number of objects in a group of five or less.
In the same way, children before puberty cannot comprehend cognitively emotional aspects of human sexuality which are beyond their development. They still think very concretely and literally and egocentrically. As their bodies mature, so does their ability to comprehend, but not necessarily at the same rate. A child with a fully developed body may be still intellectually immature, unable to grasp basic concepts such as cause and effect. They won’t be hurt by hearing what they don’t understand or aren’t ready for because they won’t absorb it. It is as though the mind must build a magnetic receptor in order to hold information. Without that receptor, which is created by maturation and experience, the new information, be it object counting, algebra, or adult human sexuality, cannot be retained because it doesn’t make sense. Information in itself is not harmful. The potential for harm is in insensitive presentation, invasive of private space. Misinformation and misunderstanding get corrected by the continued availability of questions and answers.
What we as adults fear is that we will change innocents into sexual people, abuse them in a sense, by exposing them to sexuality too young. In fact, children are sexual from birth at a childish level. If we respond to their cues, their sexuality will continue to develop healthily. A notable exception to children being able to handle what they are exposed to is physical sexual activity and abuse which can have devastating effects and which by nature is coercive.
The key to teaching children about human sexual development is being able to listen well. In anxiety-filled situations adults sometimes tend to say either too much or too little. Some people in applying for a bank loan for example may end up explaining their situation in far greater detail than the banker needs to know. Our anxiety about what is going on interferes with our ability to perceive what actually is going on. This creates bad communication. The adult, instead of listening to the child and understanding the question, is spending that time while the question is being asked thinking about how she/he wants to answer it and about how she/he feels about the question. Communication will be much better if this reflection occurs after the question is asked. Listen to the question: Where do babies come from? Then think: What does she want to know?” (where babies come from) “How do I feel about it?” A little nervous about the next question, but I know the answer to this one, then answer: babies come from mothers’ bodies. That may be all she wanted. What a mistake it would have been to have assumed she wanted to know about fertilization of the ovum when what she wanted to know was if the stork brought them. And again we discover that the child’s level of maturity, cognitive and sexual development, is helpful to us in our education. If you had made the mistake of explaining about fertilization, the child would have tuned you out. In older children, not hearing the question can also teach the child to feel you the adult do not listen/understand her, that you patronize by giving information which they already know or diminish their respect, pride, ego by not giving the information they have been trusting and bold enough to request. Physically mature students have stronger emotions about sexuality. Their tolerance for discussion may be hampered by their self-consciousness. Those who have had discussions about human sexual development before puberty may find it less difficult to talk about sexuality when they reach an age in which they experience the conversation more personally. Talking about human sexual growth at an early age sets a pattern or standard of acceptance that can continue at a later age. Our strategy is to approach human sexual development as a gradual hormonal process of which psychosocial development is a part. The fewer times we talk about storks and the more times we talk about hormonal processes and the real names of body parts and functions the more comfortable adults and children will be and therefore the less vulnerable the not-yet-adults will be.
Human sexual development begins as soon as human development begins and is a lifelong gradual process controlled by hormones. Hormones stimulate the development of physical and sexual characteristics. Hormones stimulate also psychosocial development.
The human body at peak capacity is a baby making machine operated by hormones. The biological goal of all this development is adult sexuality and procreation. If these capacities are investigated too soon or without forethought, problems can arise: dilemmas of birth control in the smart ones, teenage pregnancy in the immature and denying ones, and disease in the experimenting and rebellious ones.
The more students know about hormones, the more likely they are to delay sexual activity until their cognitive ability catches up to their physical ability.