Parents and children can only benefit from communication about sexuality and AIDS as well as about drugs, pressure, success, failure, etc. A child’s greatest protection is an available parent. This doesn’t mean that all parents feel comfortable talking about sexuality. In fact, many don’t. But that should not prevent them from doing it anyway.
Here are some pointers about how to achieve this goal:
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1) Start early with little pieces;
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2) Tell the truth;
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3) Listen to the question which is asked;
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4) Don’t talk about yourself; don’t even think about yourself, think about the question;
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5) Clarify the question by repeating it;
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6) Start with the simplest concept possible. Find out what the child knows by asking what she/he thinks the answer is. Use as few words as possible. Wait for follow up questions. Think about the way you would answer questions like, How does a car run? You say, with gasoline not by explaining about combustion engines.
Children start asking question about sexuality as soon as they can talk. First questions are usually about anatomy. Three year olds ask, “What does he have on his bottom? or “Where do babies come from?” By age 8 or so, all kids can understand female cycles (“Why are you putting that (tampon) in there?) and how the sperm meets the egg (intercourse). A child who isn’t asking questions has gotten the message that it’s not safe to ask. In this case, adults need to bring up the subject. Use TV or magazines or what friends say or do to show that you are open to talking about sex before approaching the subject directly with the child. If a parent is really not capable of talking to his/her child, she/he must connect the child to someone who can—a relative, family, friend, school nurse, pediatrician, clergy member, teacher—any adult whom you trust who is comfortable talking about sex.
In lieu of or in addition to a 6 or 10 week course of study in school for the children, you can do an evening program for parents alone or for parents with their prepubescent and pubescent children. We have found that a combination program is successful—two meetings with parents, two with parents and children together. If you only have one night, you must cover physiology and reproduction and AIDS. Important activities include encouraging adults and children to use the vocabulary of sexuality aloud and a situation in which parent and child talk to each other about sexuality: facts & values.
In a parent-child program, you can begin with 1-2 sessions with parents alone. Give them factual information about human sexuality, their own bodies, and the changes of puberty. The purpose is to increase their knowledge, their sense of self-confidence, and responsibility. They come because they want to be involved in their children’s sexual education. Many feel a doublebind preventing them from communicating with their child—lack of knowledge and feeling terribly uncomfortable. The program addresses both issues. Show a film about puberty (see bibliography), have questions, practice saying “the words.” Focus on distinguishing values from facts, helping them to focus on the things which are most difficult for them to talk about. You can separate parents into groups according to what subjects they don’t want their kids to learn about in school. A facilitator can help them verbalize their concerns and clarify their values.
This is followed by 1-2 sessions attended by both parents and children. In the best of all possible programs there will have been a chance for the children to see the film on puberty and ask questions without their parents present. Discomfort is usually reciprocal. Students will have put anonymous questions in a box which may be answered at the evening sessions. Invite a pediatrician or other health worker to answer the questions at the evening session. This person must be knowledgeable, but more important comfortable discussing sexuality.
After the question and answer session, parents and children are separated. Each group will work on developing skills to facilitate parent-child communication. An activity for the parents is to role play answering the kinds of questions children may ask. In pairs, the parents take turns practicing answering questions such as: “Why do people do it anyway?” or “Can people have sex if they are not married?” Parents are encouraged to answer both the factual and the value parts of the question, but to be sure to separate the two dearly. A second activity for parents is to identify a question or topic which they feel would be difficult to discuss with their child. A third activity is to think of a value about sexuality which they want to communicate tonight to their child.
The students meanwhile have been together in a group also doing an activity about anatomy and physiology (labeling a drawing or putting together a jigsaw puzzle of male and female reproductive organs) or puberty (The Body Clock). They will have had a discussion about why it is hard to talk about sex and ways of speaking and asking questions which encourage communication. Their assignment is to think of a question they want to ask their parent tonight.
When the groups get back together, there will be a brief summary of what each group did. Then each parent-child duo will go to a private corner of the room and carry out their assignment—communication about sexuality.